mean streak

Sometimes my mean streak rears its ugly head. It is often when I'm with Mr. Doodlebug and a group of people. Last night we went to Boyfiend's birthday party. There was good food and good people and we had a good time. At one point Girlfiend asked Mr. D to pick up the excersaucer in the diningroom and move it out of the way so people didn't have to step over it to get to the kitchen. The Fiendling was hanging onto the base of the excersaucer. Mr. D waited until he had let go and then lifted it up. As he was lifting the Fiendling grabbed onto it again and this time Mr. D hadn't noticed and the Fiendling rolled to one side and hit his head on the wood floor. He started crying and I said "nice going honey." As if he didn't feel bad enough for making someone else's baby cry I repeated my sentiment in equally mean words. He gave me a look as if to say "okay, you don't have to make me feel worse." Then I gave him a look that said "don't be mad at me!" I felt bad a few seconds later and told him that I was sure the Fiendling was okay. He went to check on him in the kitchen. And he was okay, and had even stopped crying.

I don't know what it is about being with a group of people that makes me be more mean to Mr. D than I normally am. I don't know if it's some left over insecurity from high school -- wanting people to think I'm cool so I put other people down, (which I didn't do much of in high school) even if that other person is my husband. Or if it is always the wine talking, revealing my mean side. I have noticed that I've done it before but never really tried to figure out why. I'm going to make a consciuos effort not to put down Mr. Doodlebug when we're with other people -- when we're alone, fine, but not in front of others.

I'm sorry for the way I acted last night. I would never want baby Doodle to be married to someone who was mean to him.