post partum blues

I knew I would be susceptible to the post partum blues because of my personality and a few short-lived bouts with depression over the years. I also knew that my life would never be the same after having a baby, but I didn't realize that my life would no longer be my own, or at least feel like my own. It's discouraging to wake up in the morning after a refreshing three hours of sleep and begin the new day feeling down. Baby Doodle has taken to crying and fussing at night whether he's well-fed and dry or not. Last night he bit down on my nipple with all the strength in his jaw. I started crying, not from the intense pain, but as a result of my frustrated and tired state. I have probably cried every day since Baby Doodle arrived almost two weeks ago.

Sometimes I feel frustrated because the house isn't as orderly and neat as I would like it. But most of the time my stress stems from feeling like nothing but a milk machine. I believe that I have successfully isolated my negative thoughts and feelings so as not to blame Baby Doodle, but rather the current situation that I know, intellectually, will improve with time. I tell Baby Doodle how much I love him and how cute he is, and I kiss him a lot. I hope he doesn't sense my frustration with motherhood.

To add to my hormonal rollercoaster I have felt disconnected to Mr. Doodlebug, though I don't know what I would do without him. My mind and energy are spent on tending to the baby first, making up for lost sleep second, and attempting to feel normal by getting out of the house at least once each day.